Lose Lose

My mind has been bouncing off the walls of my brain all week long. You know the feeling; you are compelled to be physically busy while your mind is arguing an issue, or trying to find a solution. We have had such an issue brewing for over a year now and it has come to fruition... If it wasn't so wrong it would almost be a relief! And I guess in some respects it is a relief having the unknown realized. But as I banter this back and forth in my brain (picture tennis), I see a player in white and a player in black. The dark is attacking while the white continues to deflect. What makes this match so unfair is that any shot counts for the man in black. No boundaries apply, no lines, no rules, no ethics. The dark gets continually bolder in his moves, lobs, slams and ultimately a kill shot. The bystanders seem to be listening to the dark player and as the game continues many move to cheer for him. They climb aboard the dark train and join the demolition. The player in white remains tight lipped, concentrating on deflecting the continual attacks.

Now the game is over. The player in black, with his dark cheering section seem to have won. The key word is 'seem'. The question I keep coming back to is, 'how does anyone win?' The player in white will go on to the next match not having learned anything about playing fairly. He won't know what he needs to improve about himself or his game. And the dark player? In my mind - he has tasted the wickedness of winning by deception, by cheating and by persuasion. It will spur him on to continue down his murky road making him more bold in his actions. He will continue to collect the weak... and take them down his clouded path. This is where my brain thinks of Darth Vader. I know - but it's how my brain works!

This path is a lose - lose there are no winners.

And then the replay begins again....each time I search for a different outcome. I do understand that Jesus will expose all in the end and I am not supposed to HAVE to know why....but..... I am wired with black and white wires; this gray matter is so upsetting ! But continuing on the electrical theme..:). I remain grounded in the Lord and I know that I know that I know......He WINS!

Dad

My Dad was the most interesting man I will ever meet. He had an incredibly detailed memory and the most wonderful sense of humor. At a very young age I decided he was the one I would emulate, much to my mother's consternation. Dad was very much an introvert, but he would dazzle the crowd when he was out. He was very matter of fact and an awesome judge of character.

In fact, he could say, 'she is just a very selfish person' and there would be no criticism attached. Just fact. It was an attribute that continually amazed me. Don't misunderstand, he state positive things as well. I remember in his later years, he said to me, "you know your mother is a beautiful woman, I don't know why she doesn't think so, but she is. Always has been, she dresses sharp and takes care of herself. (nodding his head) beautiful.

I remember after a v e r y tough softball game. Tough for me anyway. I played shortstop and batted cleanup on our high school varsity team.... I played horribly; 7 errors and popped up every time. Dad was there, I don't think he said a word during the game. After the game we walked home together. I was sullen to say the least. I started whining about how horribly I played. He stopped and said, "hey.... did you try your best?" I looked at him, frustrated, but said, "yes." He looked me straight through and said, "well then?" He turned and headed for home.

Unspoken truth ...... if you do your best in life
there's no reason to let your failures bother you.

There is more to come. Dad lived for over 90 years and he never stopped teaching me. :)

Kidless

Don't let the title deceive you, we will never be kidless. It is just a strange phenomenon in my life and seemed appropriate to jot down. I have many interests to keep my mind, body and soul occupied but it seems the purpose, the drive, the meaning of doing them is..... gone. It left and attends S.I.U.C. and G.C. I should have expected this since I have always been one of those mothers who cried EVERY year on the first day of school. Because, after all, it was fun to play and teach my children and why would I want them to leave? I would stare blankly at moms that would say, 'I can't wait for school to start!'

The biggest change in me is introspection. All of a sudden I have this incredible recall of days gone by, of fun times with the kids, of misguided parenting. Such as, (I'm laughing as I type) when the kids were preschool age; they had pushed all of my buttons. I was so aggravated with them, no discipline worked....nothing. So as is often the case, as their volume increased mine increased to an incredible crescendo! They both stopped ..... and stared..... and stood very still..... and then Kyle, very matter of factly stated, 'wow, Mom, that was really loud.' And that was that! I can't say for sure, but that may have been one of those days that when Daddy got home I said, 'I'm going for a walk.'

I have these snippets of things filter through my everyday thought processes. They are things worth remembering and things worth reading about. These are the things I hope to preserve here.